Coming out

Coming out

Firstly, thanks to everyone who has written to me in response to the extracts of the Cannabis Diaries, published in the Daily Mail last Thursday. It’s such a privilege to read your stories, thanks so much for writing. We have put up lots of them on the site now, but only ones where you gave us permission to publish. The response to the publications has been massive. The interest continues. I did an interview for GMtv yesterday; it’s being shown tomorrow morning.

Last week in the press and on tv and radio, cannabis was in the spotlight every day, and the message that it is dangerous to children and teenagers seems to be finally getting home. Hurrah! It’s interesting how many people will now say – oh, yes, cannabis – it’s so much stronger now isn’t it? Where only a few months ago many people would look confused, and blank, when I told them that the cannabis of their youth was not what is being smoked today. Few outside those who were suffering with an addict in their midst, like many of us, had heard of ‘skunk’ either. So, things are changing.

I was also delighted that the Independent on Sunday has changed its mind regarding legalisation. I think the point we are all trying to make, though, is that it is smoking cannabis in childhood and adolescence that is the prime issue here. (The paper showed some fascinating photos of young brains that had been exposed to cannabis. It was obvious just how fried the frontal lobes are when exposed so young to cannabis). Even if cannabis were legal, we would still have to protect our young people just like we do as regard to tobacco and alcohol. I was thrilled that the UN chief Antonio Costas has warned Britain about its problem with cannabis. The quote I put on the home page of this web-site rather sums it all up for me: that our children are guineas pigs in a ghastly experiment. No time in history before have young people smoked drugs on a mass scale. The warning there was that we would see tragic results, and that is what we are seeing now.

I’d now like to set up a lobby group to keep up the momentum on cannabis. I’d like the government to finance properly a health education campaign, just like the one we had for AIDS back in the eighties. It would need to employ powerful marketing techniques to move into a zero tolerance approach to smoking cannabis from 11-18.

Schools need to be supported to get involved in zero tolerance, too, I can’t see how they could not be involved. They would be important in ensuring our children are protected from drugs, when out of our care, and in school. My own son started smoking at his secondary school. The approach of his school was that if children were found with drugs they would be expelled, but this policy urgently needs extending, with drugs testing in all schools. I’d be interested in your comments. Also, if you would like to get involved in lobbying the government, and keeping up the publicity about cannabis in the press, I’d love to hear from you. I read that Richard Branson has added his voice to the debate, I would love him to get involved too, and would like to invite him to join us. Any ideas – keep in touch, you are the experts and we need to keep the debate in the public eye.

As to our own family: we are in a better place this week. Guy and I had supper with another family who are going through almost exactly what we are. Same profile of child, same dilemmas, same pain. I think Guy, especially, got a lot out of talking to them. I’ve been lucky enough to have had sessions with a very helpful counsellor who has worked with addicts, so I’ve been well supported these past few years. Guy has told virtually no one his personal feelings concerning Will, and for the first time he was given a chance to talk to others who had been suffering in a very similar way. It’s very difficult for anyone to understand, unless you’ve been through it yourself.

Guy was guarded as to what he said at the beginning of our meeting together, but I could see that just speaking about his own pain was helping. He told them that recently he had sat up in bed, startled out of his sleep, convinced at that moment that Will was dead. I looked over at Guy as he told this, not having heard it before and not having been aware of this. Both Guy and the other father of the family confided that they would trade never seeing their child again, if it meant that they would leave drugs behind, get well and thrive in life. Guy has always coped with Will’s behaviour by getting angry and laying down the firm boundaries that Will has needed in order for us all to survive. Now he seems to be able to move into his heart more easily, which has got to be good thing for him. Deadening off from our heart centre always injures ourselves. Keeping the heart open, and the boundaries firmly in place is one hell of a challenge, but I’m convinced that love can heal anything, you need to be sensible, however, and maintain the love yet also deal very firmly with the addict. There are no clear-cut answers to the problems of living with an addict, but putting yourself and your other children first seems a good place to start. Not getting attached to any specific outcome is something I have had to learn too. Every time I start to hope that we are coming out of the mire, I get disappointed and I am now learning not to do this, because it hurts me.

I was also interested to read in some of the emails that have been sent, that there is often the problem that the addict begins giving cannabis to the other children in the family. I’m so grateful we don’t have that problem, lots do and that must be very frightening particularly when the other children look up to the addict and see him/her as a role-model. Zero tolerance again to drugs in the house is an obvious starting point here, but you have to let them go out………

Will is still living in b and b accommodation, and we are paying for that and putting a small amount in his account every week, for him to buy food. We have offered to pay for him to live in a room in a shared house, until he finishes his AS exams in June. He is in college one day a week, on a Friday, for two separate hourly sessions with a tutor who comes in especially to teach him. He has managed to get there on time only once. On Friday, when I was in the British Museum, about to meet a friend, and have a day off, my mobile rang, and it was Will’s tutor asking if I knew where he was. His class started at 9 am, I looked at my watch: 9.40 am. I smiled to myself. If I ever think things may just be improving (or that I’ll get a proper day off), you can guarantee that I’m shown that going there in my thinking is not a good idea. I also found out that he did not attend his drug counselling session last week either, after recently telling us that he was committed to going there every week. I still find it difficult to believe anything he says.

I have found a room Will can rent. We went to see it today: it’s about ten minutes from where we live. The place is an ex-council maisonette, where the rooms are separately rented out, with a communal kitchen, bathroom and garden. I was annoyed, but not completely surprised, that Will did not meet me at the time we had agreed. I rang him to ask him where he was, he was still in his room. I had arranged to meet the owner outside the train station, and he was to show us the property. I had to talk to this man for over ten minutes, silently wondering when Will would show a little more responsibility. This was for him after all. But, also it is for us. The b and b is very expensive and we need to find somewhere cheaper. Will asked me, after we’d seen it, if he could look for somewhere himself. He didn’t like the place at all, although I thought it was fine, it was clean and well-equipped. He has been saying that he would find somewhere for over two weeks. I don’t know what he does with his time – so far he has come up with nothing. He seems so disorganised and tuned out from the world.

We had a tricky conversation this week. He had not realised that I was writing an on-line diary on the web-site. I think he’d assumed that the Cannabis Diaries had been a one-off feature I’d written.

‘Listen’ he said when he phoned. ‘I love you right, but could you please stop writing about me. All my friends have been reading what you’ve written, most of which is lies anyway, and I don’t want people to know about everything I do and say. You’ve got to stop’.

I listened and sympathised, but once again told him about my vision of helping raise awareness of cannabis and if that means telling people about our lives which have been affected so fundamentally, then that is what I will do. I told him again that I was waiting for him to get involved, that he has had a pivotal role in all of this coming out, and that he had a further part to play in helping others – by talking to children about drugs possibly. He didn’t want to hear that then, but later mentioned that he too could see that other people could be helped by us speaking out. He seems much more careful, though, about how he behaves around us all. He’s been to the house most days. Something has changed. Maybe it’s because what he has done, and has become, is not a secret any more, so he has to change even though he didn’t want to. I think it’s the same with any abusive situation, as soon as other people know about what’s going on, the abuser is faced with what they are doing. It’s very powerful, if not nerve-wracking for the person who is going public with the story.

Will played tennis with Alex yesterday, it was a beautiful Spring evening, and they had fun.

I told Guy about this.

‘Really? What, he played tennis with Alex? Oh, that’s really nice. Do you think he’s coming round a bit? He’s been to the house a lot too. Oh, but hang on, I mustn’t get my hopes up. Every time I do that, I get disappointed’.

I heard a softer tone in Guy’s voice, this time, as he spoke abut Will. He has felt so hurt and ashamed of Will over the years, working so hard and coming home to chaos, often having to write out cheques for large amounts to cover money that Will has stolen or debts that he has run up. He’s been so angry. I think speaking to another father who has had similar experiences has helped enormously. Guy has stopped beating himself up about his parenting, and for the first time in years spoke tenderly about his son, without any anger in his voice. The miracles are there to see if you look for them.