Just when you thought …

Just when you thought ….

Guy and I went to another counselling session, which was even more transformative than the last. I let Guy do most of the talking. Jana, the therapist, knows me well and I realised as I was attempting to add to what Guy was saying about Will and the dynamics of our family, that I was mainly doing so to ensure that no-one thought I was stupid and that I was engaged in the process. I realised what I was doing, and immediately stopped and listened, as Guy talked about his feelings around Will and his own family- his mother and sister.

When we had returned from holiday, I was certain that one of the first things we should do is book an appointment with Jana, to see us both as soon as possible. Guy’s response to another appointment made me smile, as he began saying that probably at the end of September he would have some time free. Er, no, I replied, I was thinking more like tomorrow and if not then definitely this week. He agreed.

I first went to Jana when I had become ill five years ago. I was having panic attacks day and night, my left arm and leg were numb most of the time, and my heart rhythm set on high permanently. I had been prescribed beta-blockers by my GP, and had given up my four-day a week job because I was too unwell to do it. A local homeopath was recommended by my sister, and I went along. I had little faith in homeopathy, but this woman, I knew, had been a GP and psychiatrist before. She listened to me closely as I replied to her questions about my childhood and then recommended I find a transpersonal therapist, after I told her that I had been orphaned as a child.

‘No one valued you as a child, and you’re not valuing yourself now. I think if you did some work around the grief that you are carrying about your parents’ deaths, you may find that it is enormously helpful, you may find you even have a change of career. I was recently on a weekend course with the Transpersonal Society, and I was amazed by how much psychotherapy has moved on since I was practising as a doctor years ago.’

The little white tablets she gave me helped the panic attacks to subdue almost completely, which was wonderful, and following her advice I made some calls, found Jana, and two weeks later began the work that was to lead me to a new understanding about myself. Jana has done a lot of work with addicts too, so when our problems with Will started, I began talking to her about cannabis addiction too. So, Jana knows our story, and has now met Guy twice.

This second time Guy seemed very relaxed and peaceful, eager to talk, learning fast how to talk about feelings rather than the ‘truth’ of a situation. Jana later told me that she had found what he said very moving, and it was. He had talked about how he felt about his mother and sister having allied themselves with Will against him. Jana asked him what the feeling was.

‘I think the thing that I’ve always felt about my family is that they don’t listen to what I have to say, that’s always been the worst thing and it’s still going on. I also feel that things go on behind my back, and I don’t like it. There was some medical issue with my sister back in the 80s and I wasn’t allowed to know what it was. Secrecy and not being listened to, those are the things that upset me most. Will has done some terrible things including stealing whilst with my mother, indeed even stealing from her, and she doesn’t want to see that, preferring to think badly of me and Deb than to see her grandchild blamed. She doesn’t want to see things from my point of view, preferring to believe Will when most of what he tells her is lies. It’s bizarre and hurtful.’

Jana then explained about ‘the shadow’: that in relationships sometimes what is being dealt with are the ‘shadows’ of people who have been in our past – the witches and wizards of the past, usually our parents. When something triggers therefore, I can become his mother or his sister at that time, and old behaviours and feelings come to the surface to be played out. Equally, she explained, that it can happen for me, when he’s being controlling or ‘not very nice’ as she put it, I will view him, at that moment, as my step-father and behave and feel accordingly. This happens a lot with couples, she explained, but if you can become aware of this, you can stop it and place those shadows firmly to one side so that you can deal with each other again, the authentic person, in a place of light.

Interesting stuff; when we were talking to each other going into the feeling and talking from there would help, Jana advised.

Guy said that he felt beautific afterwards.

‘I’ve let go. Nothing bothers me anymore, I’m in the flow. Whatever happens with Will, it’s his life I can do very little anymore. A relationship based on lies is no relationship at all, so what’s the point?’

We had been discussing strategies surrounding William, especially around his lying, which made us feel as if we were wasting our time having our checking-in meetings once a week.

We decided that we would like to back off completely from Will and after our session with Jana, wrote to him to tell him that we wouldn’t be meeting him again until the beginning of September, that there was little point if at our meetings he was going to lie. We also told him that we were not prepared to foot the bill for any more rent nor deposits for flats. His present house has been sold, and all the tenants were to leave by September 14. I had begun to panic at the idea of him not having anywhere to live, yet knew that by allowing to him to freefall was probably the only way of ensuring that things came to a head quickly. However, what seems to have happened before when we have tried this is that Will phones me in a very distressed state, and my reaction is to jump and try and help him, but the pattern is that he doesn’t respond to the help I offer, and I end up feeling frazzled and hurt.

We discussed what to do here and Jana said that with any pattern that is being built up – in this case Will trying to suck me in, to assuage his own painful feelings - this can be changed. It was agreed between the three of us that when he calls I would tell him that I would call him back later, half an hour, an hour, whatever seems appropriate, but later, by which time his energy of urgently needing me will have changed.

I tried this and it helped, but it’s hard and deeply confusing because one part of me wants to leap to his call and help him, so that he doesn’t feel alone and upset, yet I know from past history that often when we do something nice for him, he almost immediately does something horrible. I can’t help him through his addiction, only he can do that and he has to reach the point where he realises that he needs to get help to stay off cannabis, and thereby regain his health and his life again. Apparently, these strategies are the ones that work, by being very boundaried that will help both us and him.

The plan seemed to be working. When Will phoned the next day asking to speak to me, Guy said I was busy. I phoned him back some hours later. He was confused, saying that he had nowhere to live, no money, no job, there was little of any good in his life.

‘Your main problem is the cannabis, yet you can’t see that. You need to get into rehab, for months this time, to really get off the stuff and then you can turn your life around. I know you can do it.’ I began saying.

‘Yeah, I know you think it’s the cannabis, but it’s more than that. I came off it before and still felt awful, I haven’t smoked for a week now and I don’t feel any better. I still hate myself for everything I’ve done, what I did to Amy’s family isn’t going to go away because I get off cannabis. What if it’s me and not weed, have you thought of that? I’ll give up weed and I’ll still have all my problems to face, I can’t bear the thought of that’.

We talked for around an hour. As Will calmed down, and I began to say goodbye, Will said he knew how his father felt about him, he knows, he said, that he thinks he tries to suck me in, so could I please not tell him what we’ve been talking about? No, Will, I replied Guy and I are in this together, I don’t keep things from him, but I won’t go into details if that would help.

The next time he called, he sounded much better, saying he’d got a job working as a ‘charity mugger’ on Oxford Street. I phoned him after his first day on the job, which was the next day and he said he was enjoying it. He phoned over the weekend to say that he really liked it.

‘You know, I’m good at this, they are giving me a station to do and apparently they don’t do that unless you’re okay at it. I know you don’t think it’s a proper job, but I like talking to people, standing outside Top Shop today was fun cos I was talking to all these buff young girls and they seem to like talking to me, we have a laugh.’

Phew. Relieved to hear joy in his voice, and enjoying having a conversation that was light and positive, I told him how good that was, that of course he would be a success, it was a proper job, he just had to focus now and stay off the weed.

‘No, I’m not even thinking about smoking, just enjoying a normal life, going home after work, putting a meal on, it’s fine. Funny though, my supervisor was telling me that he used to do a lot of draw and it made his guts ache like crazy. He doesn’t do it now.’

Will used to get painful stomach problems which I knew must have been related to the vast quantities of draw he was doing, but never admitted by him. So, this was interesting. Not attaching to outcomes is so important for me, but I smiled and thought that meeting someone else who had not reacted well to weed had to be a good thing. The company he works for is called Evolution, he said, which also made me smile. He needs to evolve, and how! At the end of our conversation, I said ‘Well done’ to him, and he said ‘ For what? – I haven’t done anything’. ‘Just for doing what you’re doing, focusing on what you need to do and getting yourself sorted out’. We also talked about how he was going to fund a new place to live. Will has some money coming to him from an investment put in place for him by his grandparents, and I suggested he talk to his grandmother about having this money now.

‘Yes’ he said ‘ I’d like somewhere nice to live’,

We talked some more about this, I trying to paint a picture of a life free from weed, living in a nice place, making new friends, moving on, he saying that he understood how difficult it had been for us because he lies and that he was determined to tell us the truth from now on. It was one of the best conversations we have had for some time.

The phone rang at half past three the next morning. I didn’t answer it, but it woke me up and then I began wondering who it could have been. Going into the study next door, I checked the phone – a new message – from the Custody Officer at Charing Cross Police Station, saying that they have my son in custody and would I phone back to verify his address. What?! No name though, I thought it must have been Jack who had been out that night, and had still been out when we went to bed. Jack’s bedroom door was closed, but with the phone still in my hand I went in and put the light on – oh, he was in bed, right, so that means it must be Will. I felt better then, at least Jack was fine.

Will was in custody for disorderly conduct. He hadn’t given our address, but his own, (which was new), but would I confirm that it was correct? Disorderly conduct, they said, well that’s almost quaint to me – I’d started to sweat as I asked why they were holding him, concerned that the reply would be to do with theft or drugs. I couldn’t get back to sleep again, though, and when Guy woke later I told him what had happened. He hadn’t heard the phone. He grinned when I told him.

‘Well, if you thought that material for the Diaries was going to dry up…!’

He phoned his mother the next day, asking if she wanted to meet for lunch, which she couldn’t and then mentioning that Will had been arrested the night before. He regretted doing this later.

‘Very lower self, I’m afraid’, he said to me later ‘I was doing it out of spite and now I feel awful. I was doing it for the wrong reasons. A truth told with bad intent and all that.’

Jack was there at the time, and turning to his father said

‘Maybe now she’ll see what Will’s like, what is it about him? She’s always treated him like a prince - even when we were little she used to push me back when we were walking together and say ‘Give William his space’. I don’t get it, and she doesn’t want to admit how badly wrong that boy’s gone, maybe how she’ll have to. You did the right thing, Dad’.

I agreed with Jack. Guy smiled briefly, saying thanks to us both.