Cannabis-free living, at least for the moment.

I’m almost certain Will is no longer smoking weed and he seems very different as a result. He is now at home every day after being asked to leave his full-time course by college. The pressure is off him, which has helped him stay off the cannabis. He likes his drugs counsellor – she is part of the Community Drug Project in Forest Hill, our local help centre. He is to go once a week, although there was a mix-up this week. I took him along for his appointment yesterday, but apparently he wasn’t booked in, so has another one scheduled for next week. We have now heard from the NHS too, and Will has an appointment to see a psychiatrist on Monday.

The relationship rebuild with my son is going quite well, although I’m still very nervous around him, and consequently I’m verging on exhaustion. Expecting him to flip out at any moment is draining, and I’m also concerned to try and keep the peace among all of us here. I know, though, that I don’t need to shoulder all of the responsibility for this, which is what I have believed in the past. Things change so rapidly here that it’s not easy for any of us. Guy complains regularly about Will and I have to think before I speak – taking care not to jump to the defence of my son like I once used to, nor to join in with the grumbling (although I do sometimes), but to observe and stay centred and let things unfold as they need to.

Although Will is so much more stable than I’ve seen for a long time, he still has the potential to surprise though, and not in a good way! Take last week for example. I finished off the diary piece last week by writing about Will having his girlfriend in his room, the night before he was due back into college to have his two hour session with the tutor that MPW have put in place for him.

My husband left for work before anyone was up, and Will was up early too - telling me that he was going to leave in good time to get to college, but didn’t mention the girl that was in his room. I was wondering when he was going to tell me. Beginning to think I’d imagined it all, as he was getting ready to leave the house I asked if Lisa was here.  He said she was but he was going to leave her to lie in. (They were both ‘up’ at 2 am so I wasn’t surprised she was tired.) What? On the one day when he wasn’t going to be in the house, I was going to have this young woman I hardly knew in the house with me? As I started to race with anger, I told him to wake her up and take her with him when he left, and then heard myself say that if he did this, I wouldn’t say anything to his father about this. What? Why did I say that?  I know why – because I felt uncomfortable being direct and bossy with my son, but I needed her out of the house. I shall tell Guy but not just now. He already has enough ammunition to fire about Will, I don’t think he needs any more right now. I know he is very low generally, and has been verging on depression for years due to the rollercoaster we’ve been on with our son.

I have been feeling like I’d like to get away for a while. I’ve heard that there are retreats you can go on, so I may look into that. What I need is somewhere I can go and be looked after if only for a short time, and thoughts of my mum have been surfacing again. I’ve been playing a fantasy in my head this week about ‘going home’, to be greeted by a big hug from her and taken care of for a weekend. Guess I’m feeling sorry for myself seeing that this is the one thing I can’t have as my parents both died when I was young. My mother’s sister has written to me, after reading one of my diary pieces, saying she feels so sorry about our situation and wants to help. She has invited me to stay with her. We’ve never been close and her letter really touched me. Maybe I will plan to go and stay with her. She says she’ll put the kettle on and we can talk forever. This may be just what I need.

© Debra Bell 2007