December 2009

The phone rang just as I sat down to write this final entry of the 2009 Diaries, in these closing days of the year just after Christmas. It was a mother of four children who was ringing to say ‘thank you’ for setting up the web-site. She said that our stories were almost identical: we had similar values, similar family situations, similar problems. The site had been a haven, she said, and she had felt less alone since she had found it. Some of the letters on the site had made her weep, she said, they were so close to her own experiences.

Her eldest son, 17, has been using cannabis for three years, with increasing frequency, and the nightmare is closing in. She said that when police came to the house to arrest her son just before Christmas, it was the worst day of her life. She is where we were with Will, when he was a similar age, she said, but was wondering how she was going to sustain herself if her family were going to be under this strain for the same number of years as us. She had her other children to think about, she said, and she could see the damaging effect on them. Her eldest son believes cannabis to be harmless, and will not listen to her pleas for him to quit as she watches his once- normal life slips away.

The difference between our families is that this lady is a single parent. I told her how aware, and admiring, I am of the millions of mothers who are on their own with children; what a daunting and huge task that is. Having children using cannabis can sometimes be a bridge too far. It is especially difficult with sons; little boys grow into men and are almost always bigger and stronger than their mothers. I don’t think I would have coped well alone, and don’t believe that our family could have had such a positive result, if I had been doing the job of parenting by myself. I remember my teenage son, stoned on cannabis, aggressively squaring up to me in a rage, and how frightening that was. I remember also my middle son, Jack, saying that Will was stupid to try and physically intimidate his father, which he sometimes did - because ‘Dad is a man, and Will is only a boy, yet he still thinks he can take him on’.

The normalisation of cannabis use among the young is unfair to everyone, particularly to those parents who are doing the job single-handedly. I feel honoured to have had a part to play in helping support families, many of whom report how guilty and ashamed they feel when their children become feral due to early drug use.

The lady who phoned sounded lovely, and was coping extremely well. I appreciated her calling to say thank you, and felt a deep connection with her. Whenever I have doubts about the work I’m doing, someone calls, usually a mother, for advice, or just to say how helpful the web-site has been. This puts me back in the right place on my path. Thanks to everyone who has contacted me over the past three years since the site began.

As to our family, this is the first time in four years that we have been together as a family at Christmas. So, it’s an important one for us. Last year Will was still living away from us and none of us could have predicted that he would be living at home again this year, nor that we would have a peaceful household again. It is a miracle.

One evening, just a few days before Christmas, snow began to fall heavily and Jack and Will came into my bedroom to tell me. I’d been lying down in a darkened room again, with Lily curled up beside me. I’ve felt more tired recently than I have in a long time. The run-up to the holidays seems to have reached feverish levels this year. I am exhausted, too, from five months of having everyone at home. It sometimes feels quite chaotic.

‘Mum, hi, can we come in? It’s snowing outside, just started – look’ said Jack, moving over to the window to pull back the curtains. Large soft flakes of snow were falling silently, illuminated by the street lamp below.

I look over to see both Will and Jack standing closely together, looking out of the window, their backs to me. I am reminded suddenly of our times together when they were little, before Alex was born.

‘This is the best Christmas ever, mainly because of the snow’, Will was saying to his brother.

Because of the snow, or because you are back in the family home again? I want to say this, but I don’t. I am still unsure how to behave around Will, and don’t feel I can be natural with him like I can with my other boys. This is so difficult, and exhausting. But I’m convinced if we can just keep going, things will gradually change for the better as we all get used to one another again. Maybe, maybe not. Whatever happens we will deal with it.

All three boys, and an excited Lily, went out into the street later, to throw snow-balls noisily at one another. They returned wet and freezing, but exhilarated.

Christmas Day went well. We were hosting this year, and there were 11 of us at lunch – a combination of Guy’s relations and mine. You will know if you have read these diaries before, that we are not a close extended family. The difference this year is that I have given up expecting anyone in our families to acknowledge the perilous journey Guy and I have been on these past six years or so, and what it may have been like for us both. Don’t know why I didn’t do this a long time ago, it is so freeing!

The book of ‘The Cannabis Diaries’ comes out at the end of February, and my sincerest new year wishes are that the book will reach everyone who needs it, and that other families might find comfort and companionship in reading our story.

Hoping your dearest wishes for 2010 come true. Happy New Year to everyone.

With love, and many thanks for your company along the way,
Debra



© Debra Bell 2009.